


it's hard not to fall in love with something so helpless

by townieclownie



Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Gen, clem and rebecca bonding, clem reminisces on past trauma, feat. baby AJ, semi-graphic description of childbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:41:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25278646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/townieclownie/pseuds/townieclownie
Summary: "It didn't strike Rebecca as out of the ordinary when Clementine stayed glued to her side, watching over them and asking every few minutes if the baby was okay... [she] found it rather sweet. Until the baby fell asleep, and suddenly Clementine began repeatedly insisting that Rebecca check he was breathing.It was then that Rebecca realized that Clementine's worry for the newborn was more than just a side effect of the warm, nurturing core hiding behind her tough, desensitized exterior.It was raw, crippling paranoia, possibly rooted by a personal tragedy that had deeply shaken her."
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	it's hard not to fall in love with something so helpless

It had taken only seconds for Alvin Junior to let out his very first cry, but those few seconds of foreboding silence were enough to set Clementine on edge for several hours.

It didn't strike Rebecca as out of the ordinary when Clementine stayed glued to her side, watching over them and asking every few minutes if the baby was okay. Rebecca knew close to nothing about Clementine's life before the lurkers, so she only suspected that the girl had been an older sister, and that her sisterly instincts were kicking in. Rebecca found it rather sweet.

Until the baby fell asleep, and suddenly Clementine began repeatedly insisting that Rebecca check he was breathing.

It was then that Rebecca realized that Clementine's worry for the newborn was more than just a side effect of the warm, nurturing core hiding behind her tough, desensitized exterior.

It was raw, crippling paranoia, possibly rooted by personal tragedy - a tragedy that had deeply shaken her. 

The baby was held by several pairs of inviting arms that evening, all embracing this tiny, tender addition to their family - an impromptu celebration that rose their spirits for a short while.

Kenny held him the longest, and Clementine stood close by, glancing between the curious, quiet baby boy and the wistful look in Kenny's eye. It was the lightest Clementine had seen him in such a long time. 

This wasn't the man that had bashed somebody's face in until it looked like a plate of lasagna that had been dropped, or had spat hurtful words at her back at Parker's Run. This was the man who'd entertained the notion of her having barn spiders in her hair; who'd watched on with a smile as Duck waited for his turn on the swing; who'd listened to her tell him about her chalk drawings on the asphalt back at the motor inn.

She didn't want to say anything to snap him out of what had to be the most blissful, peaceful moment he'd had since he'd lost his family… well… _families._ So she stepped away for a moment, peering over the broken deck at the debris below. 

Underneath broken planks lie the bodies of too many walkers for her to count on all her fingers - and her toes too, she was sure. 

She almost considered counting them all, to distract her from the thoughts that'd started festering from the moment Rebecca started pushing.

Then she realized who else was down underneath all the rubble, and she looked away, afraid her eyes might find Sarah's body before Clementine could stop them.

Luke took the baby after Kenny, greeting Alvin Junior with a grin and a kiss to the forehead. 

Clementine stood by, staring at the ground and listening to Luke hum to him. For several minutes, she didn't look up at the two, only listened to Luke's humming, and to whatever faint chatter arose from the others.

When she did, however, she was struck by sudden dejection.

Everyone looked so natural when they held the baby. His tiny, fragile body, secured in the arms of all these people who had fallen in love with him so quickly. Fitting like puzzle pieces.

They didn't look capable of endangering him, not even a little.

She loved him too, a whole lot for that matter, but she didn't have any confidence in herself to keep him as safe as everyone else seemed to be able to.

"You're gonna grow so big and tall," Luke spoke in a high, hopeful whisper. "I can teach you all sorts about raising crops, and about hunting… why, by the time you hit double digits, you'll be a survival _expert."_

"I can teach him how to shoot," Clementine offered, stepping closer to look at the baby's face, with its rosy cheeks and wide eyes. "And how to read too."

"A _literate_ survival expert - even better." He sent Clementine a wink, at which she couldn't help but smile a tiny smile.

"Hold on, I think I'm getting somethin' else, too." Luke leaned his head down and pressed an ear to the baby's chest. Then, with a hum and a nod of approval, he raised his head and announced to the two, "There might just be a little Picasso in there too."

Clementine's smile widened, and she rolled her eyes at him.

"You're the total package, Alvin Junior. Your mama has no idea what a little prodigy she just brought into the world."

Luke's smile suddenly faded as he gave a brief glance to the railings. He shook his head, before looking back down at the baby. "We'll be sure to teach you a thing or two about _loyalty_ while we're at it."

"What?" Kenny butt in, having gone unnoticed when he'd wandered over to them. "Still blue-balled over your ice cold little _gal pal_ runnin' off?"

"Shut the fuck up, Kenny," he whispered, as if lowering his voice would deflect the swear from reaching Alvin Junior's ears. "I don't need this right now."

With that, Alvin Junior began to fuss, crinkling his little forehead and exposing his gums to release what sounded like a mix between a whine and a grunt.

"Looks like you don't need this right now either, huh?" 

Kenny scoffed, while Luke turned to Clementine and set Alvin Junior into her reluctant arms. "Here - why don't you go take him back to Rebecca?"

Her stomach churned at the sight of him - seven pounds worth of soft, likely _very_ _thin_ skin, fragile bones that she didn't reckon were much stronger than those of a bird, and tiny, delicate organs that she feared would be crushed or popped if she held him incorrectly.

She turned and looked behind her, noting that there couldn't be more than fifteen feet separating herself and Rebecca.

But in those fifteen feet, she could drop him, or trip and send him flying, or he could fall victim to some fast-acting, deadly ailment, and she wouldn't know how to help him - therefore somebody would have to take him from her, and rush him over to Rebecca - though by that point, it would already be too late. All the ailment would need was a few seconds to claim his incredibly precious, incredibly _short_ life.

Clementine looked back up at Luke. "I don't think I should."

"Why not?"

"What if…" She glanced back down at the ground, noticing every little dangerous nuance - tiny pebbles, upturned bits of the remaining portions of the deck. "What if I hurt him?"

" _Would_ you?" Kenny asked, raising an eyebrow.

" _No."_ She shot him a glare. "Not on _purpose."_

"What's the problem then?"

"I just…" She was afraid that if she peeked down at Alvin Junior once more, she'd find him covered in blood, a flesh-colored tube fastened around his neck, the lively color in his face paling to eventually settle into a dull blue color, most prominent in his lips.

Luke took a step in her direction and brushed a finger over one of the agitated infant's chubby cheeks. "How about I walk you over?"

At that offer, she considered the distance between herself and Rebecca one more time, realizing this time that Rebecca was looking directly at her, waiting.

Truthfully, she'd rather Luke just take the baby from her and walk him over himself. But she wasn't about to ask him to, because she figured that if she did, they'd wonder why. She wasn't ready to be forced to explain herself. 

Clementine sighed. "Okay."

She turned around, hyper-aware of every motion and adjustment of her body.

She thought a little too hard about each tiny step - how much weight she leaned on one foot while bringing the other forward. How much each step altered the position of her upper body, increasing the chances of Alvin Junior rolling out of her grip. How closely behind Luke was following, and if he was close enough to catch the baby ~~when~~ if she did wind up dropping him, and how quickly he would be to take the baby from her if he stopped breathing.

Walking by herself on a tightrope between two twenty-story buildings would probably prove to be less stressful than this.

When Clementine reached Rebecca's side, she took a deep breath and held it. She focused everything she had on not losing her balance when she lowered herself to the floor.

As soon as Rebecca took the baby from her, Clementine shot back up, catching her breath and wiping her sweaty hands on the sides of her pants.

"Looks like I've been summoned," Rebecca said to Alvin Junior, who seemed to calm just a little at the sound of his mother's voice. "You hungry, little guy?" 

Rebecca eased herself into the closest thing to a sitting position she could manage, and lifted her shirt, exposing one breast. Luke looked away - whether out of embarrassment or just to be polite, Clementine wasn't sure. But she did the same, even though she knew it probably didn't matter, that Rebecca might say something like, " _Oh come on, we're both girls_." She knew Christa would have. 

Alvin Junior suckled away the second his mouth found his mother's nipple - a long, exhausting day of being born and passed around from person to person must've left him feeling quite famished.

Luke wandered off to join a conversation between Mike and Bonnie, while Kenny peered off into the distance, likely scouting out another place for them to settle down at after they hit the road again. Clementine, her nerves having settled down a little, took a seat next to Rebecca. She drew her knees to her chest and lie the side of her head down on her arms. 

It had been only a week since she had met Rebecca, but in that week, she'd never seen her look so relaxed. There was nothing but adoration and tranquility in her eyes, as she gazed down at her newborn son. 

Clementine wished for Rebecca's sake that Alvin could be here.

And she wished that Christa had been able to experience this too.

"Do you trust them with the baby?" Clementine asked suddenly.

Rebecca paid a glance to everyone. "For the most part." 

"What do you mean?"

"Don't take it too personally, Clem, but I'm not too sure I trust your _friend_ over there."

"Kenny?" Clementine frowned. "Why not?"

"He's got a temper. A _bad_ one at that." Rebecca lowered her voice. "He may have been a dad before, and I'd be willing to take your word for it if you told me he was a good one. But if he doesn't tighten those screws, I'm not comfortable with the idea of leaving my baby with him." She shook her head, looking down at Alvin Junior, who was beginning to doze off.

As much as she didn't care to admit it, she knew Rebecca had a point. 

"Do you trust _me?"_

"Well, of course I do." There wasn't a trace of deception nor hesitation in Rebecca's voice when she answered.

"Why?"

Rebecca smiled and knitted her eyebrows together in a look of confusion. "Why shouldn't I?"

A lump formed in Clementine's throat, and her chest tightened at the thought of cold, motionless little Genevieve.

She looked away from Rebecca, not wanting to see the horror and betrayal in her eyes when she found out how horribly Clementine had messed up before, and the cost of her mistake.

"Christa had a baby too, in this abandoned camper we found in the woods. It was just her and me, with no other adults around." _There_ should _have been another adult around -_ _a funny, doting boyfriend - but..._

"She was crying and yelling for hours and hours, and when the baby started coming, I didn't know what to do. She was screaming and pushing and pressing down on her stomach, but I just stood there, not knowing how to help. 

"She told me to sit in front of her, and to grab the baby when it came out all the way." Even though Rebecca had just undergone the process herself, Clementine decided to spare her the details - the blood trickling onto the floor, oozing from the orifice that had expanded in order to expel the baby's head.

By then, Clementine had already been told by her mother where babies come out of, but nothing could have prepared her for what it looked like. 

"When the baby came out, she didn't cry, and Christa kept asking me what was wrong with her. I was trying to tell her that the baby couldn't breathe, that she had this… this… this tube around her neck…"

"The umbilical cord?" Rebecca breathed, heart wrenching for this ex-mother-to-be she didn't even know.

Clementine nodded. "Yeah… but I was too scared to say anything. I just… sat there." 

"Oh, Clementine…" 

She flinched away when Rebecca set a hand on her back, knowing that any sympathy or affection offered to her at this moment would render her incapable of holding back her emotions.

"She kept shouting at me to show her the baby, and when I could move again, I unwrapped the _un_ … _umb_ … the _cord_ from her neck. But… it was too late."

She inhaled shakily, knowing that the worst part of her explanation was over, and looked up at Rebecca. "She never forgave me for it."

"Sweetheart, don't say that - there was nothing she had to forgive you for, because it wasn't your fault." 

Clementine didn't believe it one bit. Rebecca didn't know everything she'd done, all the people who'd died because of her. Omid, Chuck, Sandra. The one she didn't want to think about or it would _really_ send her over the edge.

"Do you _still_ trust me?"

Clementine didn't fight it this time when Rebecca gently ran her fingernails over the fabric of her jacket. "I do. You're _family_ now, Clem. And an important part of it too."

"I'm not…" She scowled toward the ground. "I'm a jinx."

 _"Who_ snuck in and got us those walkie talkies back there? _Who_ climbed up onto the _roof_ and snuck in through a _skylight_ to turn on the PA system?"

Clementine looked up to make sure Luke was out of earshot before muttering, "Jane could've done it."

"But she didn't. And even if she had, she only would've done it to save her _own_ ass. _You_ did it for all of us."

Clementine fell silent.

"Now no more of that _jinx_ nonsense. You're a resilient, brave, _beautiful_ girl, and a reliable member of our family. And I'm grateful that Alvin Junior is going to grow up around somebody like you." 

Clementine didn't know what to say to that. She didn't see herself in that way, not even a little bit. Why should _anybody_ see her like that? But despite her doubts, those words were enough to bring tears to her eyes.

Maybe she'd never see herself that way. But the thought that somebody else might... well, it was nice.

She blinked several times and wiped the tears away.

"Do you want to hold him again?" Rebecca asked.

Clementine shot them both a fearful look.

"It's gonna be okay. Look - he's sleeping, he's fed, he's warm, and he's healthy as could be." 

Clementine considered this, and reached out slowly with both arms.

Alvin Junior stirred as his food source was removed from his mouth, and as he was moved from one pair of arms to the other. But once he was nestled in between the crooks of Clementine's elbows, he settled peacefully back into his slumber.

Clementine kept a close eye on the steady rise and fall of his chest, and peered through her peripheral vision to make sure Rebecca was watching him too.

Holding him now felt much less nerve-wracking than before. Maybe it was because he was sleeping, or because she was sitting, or because of Rebecca's words from before. But she felt much less like a loose cannon as she cradled him.

She still felt at fault for what happened to Genevieve. For the tiny little light that fizzled out before Christa even got a chance to see it.

However, she was determined to never let the same thing happen to Alvin Junior.

She would never let _anything_ happen to him.


End file.
